Provide an example of action or character in something you've read or something you've written recently, and how that might improve according to Williams.



Because of my background, I am asked often to edit things for people. This week, I was the lucky recipient of a newspaper article and an essay that will accompany a scholarship application.



The newspaper article was written by my mother and was about programs the special education department had implemented this year or were planning to implement next year. While I work to be clear yet gentle with my comments, I had little time and was hurried. I turned on the tracking feature in Word and dashed through it. I made changes without all of the explanations why. My style in my editing comments for Mother is less explanatory than the ones I will write for the scholarship applicant. I remember one comment had to do with who was implementing what and when. The characters weren't clear.



The scholarship applicant is a senior in high school. His first paragraph:



Believing that the discipline shown by my exemplary attendance, strong GPA, the leadership skills achieved through FFA, and my self-confidence, represent the qualities you desire in a scholarship recipient is fundamental. I am the best candidate because I will be a good ambassador of this scholarship, both on and off campus, having a positive and enthusiastic attitude, and will truly be grateful for the financial assistance. Receiving this scholarship would greatly assist my financial standing in preparing for numerous college expenses.



He's close, and even though his first sentence isn't complete, this is far better than the first draft I looked at last week. In his first draft, every sentence began with the pronoun "I," and I encouraged him to give specific examples of his claims and to try to begin sentences with something other than "I." The only character in his essay is himself, and while that's appropriate for his task, he needs to tone down the pronoun use. He also needs some action verbs that will help with his explanation of the "why."

He may be a little over-the-top with his words "examplary," "truly," and "greatly," but this is the style of a high-school boy who wants (and needs) the scholarship, and who would prefer he not have to write anything to get it. As I edit this piece, I will have to be careful that his voice and style remains visible, for I think he'll have a better chance of receiving the scholarship if the readers in the committee know the work is really his.